How I learned to deal productively with strong feelings and became a better leader.
By Jamie Warmbir, Director of Client Happiness
The way a leader deals with frustration is how their team members deal with it.
Whether at the office and in your home, to create an atmosphere of trust and respect you have to start at the top.
As apparent as this may seem, some life lessons are easier than others. And this is one important lesson I needed to learn the hard way.
How I learned to grow beyond anger
In the early days of Mavidea I was often angry. There was a cost to the company and me. While anger might seem productive and powerful when it has a hold on you, those results come at a price.
The costs of holding on to anger
- Unhealthy relationships
- Hesitant team mates
- Being viewed as unapproachable
- Lack of progress
- Unnecessary conflict
- Inability to take necessary risks
- Reluctance to identify issues and resolve them
How I learned to manage difficult conversations
It was clear I needed to learn some better methods of dealing with situations I found frustrating. It started with this book: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
The most important lesson I learned is that anger does not create safety. It also does not create a productive working environment.
Instead, it shuts people down.
By committing to work through the plan presented in the book, I started making progress. Over time, I learned to:
- Foster trust with teammates
- Communicate with clarity
- Focus on the goal or big picture
- Look toward serving others over myself
Anger reflects impulsiveness. It’s a factor of trying to hold back feelings rather than working them out in a healthy way.
And so, I learned the biggest lesson of all. When those touchy situations come up and feelings of frustration rise, I remember this rule:
You need to talk it out or you will act it out.
Moving on to mellow
I've certainly mellowed over time and done some growing up since I started this process. I think I'll continue to keep working on it and becoming even better until the day I die.
Along the way, I’ve found having a better handle on anger has made me a better team leader, and also a better husband and father to my family.
How a lesson in leadership became a lesson for my son
I had the opportunity to teach my son about anger the other night. I wanted him to understand how holding on to anger doesn’t serve him.
On the contrary, it isolates him from those around him.
So the next day, I extended that lesson to a daily tradition where I write a joke and a bible verse on the kids’ school lunch napkins.
Here’s what I wrote on my son’s:
Ecclesiastes 7:9
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.
Here’s what I wrote on my daughter’s:
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
What a good reminder this was for me as well!
After all, I'm human and still prone to the negative effects of anger. But we all can find so much truth in those verses -- and so much to carry forward into our daily lives.
How does anger affect you?
The best way to cool an angry heart is to commit to a plan of improvement when you’re calm, focused and resolved.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
- How do you handle anger when it comes up in your life?
- How is anger affecting you?
- What's the cost in the work place?
- What's the cost at home?
- Do you have a self-first focus rather than an other-focused service mindset?
Bottom line: If you’re really focused on YOU, it’s easy to get angry. If you’re really focused on serving other people, the situation takes care of itself.
